my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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