so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
