Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
