My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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