he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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