I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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