It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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