yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
