booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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