No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
