Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
