Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
