I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
