Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I met the friendliest cop last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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