He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
