just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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