how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
