Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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