we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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