I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
