apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
