my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
