I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
