When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
