LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
