She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
