I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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