im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
