i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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