So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
