and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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