we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
