my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
