Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
