YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
