I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
