We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
