yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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