You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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