Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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