Your face is a jimmy john
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
