I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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