guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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