Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
