Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
