I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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