Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
