He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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