I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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