Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
